Artificially Intelligent

Looking back at things a previous version of yourself has written can say a lot about how a person develops. I have gone back and read some of my earlier posts on this blog and I am surprised at how much further I have moved forward in my life as a person. I feel that I can articulate myself much more efficiently and don't rely so much on cliche modes of speech or resorting to using obscenities to punctuate how I feel towards certain things. I have either deleted or reverted a lot of my posts back to drafts because at this point I can't read much of them and not cringe. I have done a lot of things with my life over the last fifteen years since I started this blog. I mainly meant to create it as a mental scrapbook, something I could look back on and maybe be a little proud of. I felt pretty much the exact opposite. I really came off as negative and focusing on things that while being important, I had little or no control over. I have come to realize that the world I live in can be a really bad place and lots of horrible things are constantly going on around me. I have learned to deal with it to a certain extent. I have learned to live in Omelas. I also in a strange place, mentally, physically and emotionally right now. The world is still dealing with a pandemic that just seems to never go away, maybe it won't. We just had to deal with an insane person that became president and who almost destroyed our country. Who knows what will even end up happening there? Hopefully our democracy in the United States will survive the onslaught it faces right now. Russia has started (over a year ago now) an illegal war in Ukraine. Hundreds of thousands of people have already died as a result. All of these things happening concurrently make me feel really unsure about where the world is headed and the possibilities of what could happen are very unsettling. Ignorance and fascism are beginning to find places deep inside the psyche of the people around the world again, very scary thinking that world war two really wasn't fought that long ago. I thought the world had moved on from embracing hateful ideologies that destroy entire continents and the people that inhabit them. I recently went through a lot of personal relationship problems with my girlfriend and family that I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with. I haven't been to Jiu Jitsu in almost three years now. I barely even go to the gym anymore. I have lost a lot of interest in things that were very important to me and for some reason it doesn't bother me that much. I have drank more over the last two or three years since COVID hit than I even want to admit to myself. I'm working on cutting back (I already have) but it's been harder than usual to keep myself from falling into that hole. I definitely want to get back to living my life the way it was before the world really fell apart, before COVID came and changed everything about how I live my life. I really wonder sometimes if things will ever be 'normal' again. Sometimes I feel like I am artificially intelligent, that I'm not really as smart as I think. I'd like to believe that I am a normal, logical and rational person. I want to believe that I have a good understanding of the world around me and that I actually understand the things that I claim to know a lot about. We always have work to do and sometimes I feel like I have a long way to go to feel like I really am as intelligent as I see myself. I'm going to keep trying.